Magic 8 ball, don't fail me now!There are two things – essential characteristics, as it were – in the balance as far as my job goes.  First:  It is emotionally rewarding to be able to help people.  I really enjoy sitting down with young families and seeing the excitement in their eyes when they find that they, too, can be financially responsible.

Then there’s the counterbalance:  I  haven’t made a dime doing my job yet – and I’ve been at it for a couple of months.   Yes, some money will eventually arrive, just because of contracts already signed and the like, but those checks are so small and so far between that it’s hard to feel perpetually good about my own life – even when I’m helping other people with theirs.

I find myself wondering if I’m doing the right thing.  I met with a young family today who made 17,000 dollars last year and who have their own home and 1 other lot that they’re going to build another house on, then sell the first for about 160,000 dollars of profit.  As for me, I am living off my last month’s worth of savings and wondering how much longer this financial drought can go on.  Should I just give up and go back to the food-services industries?  Or do I stick with the job that promises huge dividends in the unknowable future?  Where’s my magic 8 ball?

Today it just piled up on me again as I reached the end of the list of people I know personally.  I used to feel confident that I could make a living out of this job – but today I am not so sure.  I had decided in the past to keep it up for as long as I can.  And it may be that I find that it’s not the job for me.  But I might find that I am able to survive the next year – and perhaps even thrive in the future.  I just don’t know.  Not knowing leads to discouragement.  Discouragement can lead to giving up.  Giving up can lead to switching jobs.  Switching jobs can lead to… other jobs?

Reporting live from discouragedville,



night parkThis evening I was reminded of one of the pleasures I used to enjoy on a frequent basis.  As primal and as deep a part of our nature as the comfort felt when sheltered from the thunderstorm.  Perhaps as symbolically potent as snow falling in the pines.

It’s been a long time since I was able to indulge myself, and I wondered if perhaps this activity has become the joy of a bygone era – surely I’m not the only one who has been experiencing less and less of that most ancient of comforts…

Driving around the streets of a city on a cool summers night with the windows down and the radio turned up…

Gas prices are now between 3.12 and 3.54 depending on which part of the state you’re in.  3.27 here.  I just can’t afford to feel good any more.