one bad day

March 19, 2015

I did something thoughtless last night and sent a stern email to one of the contractors I have to work with. ¬†Six months ago it would have been very polite – almost to the point of absurdity. But lately I’ve not been polite. I think it’s the new job.

Anyway, the email was not well received and now there’s a huge disaster and it’s all my fault.

And, while I don’t fear for my job, I do wonder about how easy it would be to mess up and lose it. How my beautiful children who think we live in paradise would have to move with us to who knows where. I think about how unbalanced things are with my business partners where they have millions in the bank and my family could last exactly half a month before our money ran out.

I think about how at this point I don’t have a contingency plan.

In the past, like in the last post on this blog, I could look at options. I could say, “If not this, then that,” and feel pretty ok about it. That’s one benefit of being on “the bottom” is that you can switch which ladder you’re going to climb pretty easily. But now that were getting up there, it’s feeling quite precarious. Quite scary.

Maybe this is being a grown up. Maybe adulthood hits when you finally start to look around and no longer see supports, but see things that need supporting. Maybe it’s when the safety net is gone and you have to choose how you’re going to react – by running or by going for it.

And going for it is just scary. Scary scary.

If I were to classify my feelings right now they would be largely in terms of “fear.” That happens at night. While the kids are asleep in total confidence in our abilities as parents.

Which is frustrating because yesterday I felt amazing. I was full of positivity. I was happy with life. I was even smiling at the stupid leak in the bathroom that poured water through the kitchen ceiling.

One bad day. I can’t even seem to manage one bad event without letting it ruin my day.

I feel confidence, though, in my heavenly father. Like my kids, I guess. I know that the lessons I’m learning now will prove valuable for years to come and in future roles. Someday I’ll look back at troubles with a contractor and just smile like ti was nothing more than a leaky seal around the shower. Easily fixed. Easily prevented.

At least, I hope I can learn this lesson. Though I don’t look forward to the next.