June 30, 2006
I knew a girl once who I really wanted to date. I thought she was great, but I didn’t really love her very much. Just a great person who I thought was attractive and who I wanted to date.
She found somebody who adores her. I remember when they were dating she would tell me about all the wonderful things he would do for her. When she asked if I thought she should marry him, I thought (and may have said so) that I could never treat her the way he does – and that to find somebody who adores you so much is a tremendous blessing that shouldn’t be turned away from.
I wonder if that makes sense in a linguistic way.
And I was amazed. Because I realized I didn’t really love her. My actions or lack of actions really proved it. Sure, I wanted to date her, but when I was compared with this guy who had obviously fallen head-over-heels for her… wow. I got nothing.
I wondered if I would ever care for somebody that much.
But now I do. And I want her to be happy every day. Every time something nice happens to me, I try to figure out how to make it nice for her too. If I get a gift to ‘us.’ I give it to her. I would do anything just to give her joy.
I didn’t know I was capable of these feelings.
And I feel good about how much I adore her. And how she feels about me.
June 26, 2006
I'm starting to stress over these next two weeks and everything that needs to get done and worrying that I'm not doing it all. I hope it will help if I write down the main points of the next few days to keep me on track.
Also, my stress level over money is going up quite a bit. Mostly because rent is due and I keep having less and less money to pay it with.
monday: Presentation in class, work
Tuesday: Move things into apartment, history class test, work
Wednesday: Move personal things into apartment, clean old apartment, work
Thursday: Wedding pictures
Friday: Hike the subway in zion
Saturday: rent is due, work
Sunday: church, work.
Monday: go to kanab, destroy computer monitor.
Tuesday: have fourth of july festivities.
Wednesday: Ummm.. I don't know.
Thursday: Also don't know, but I think it will be busy.
Friday: Get married.
June 21, 2006
I'm working on a review of research done on the topic of Blame. In interesting side note to regular life, there was an event that I experienced tonight that dealt with my review.Tonight a couple came in to the restaurant, my last table, and had some conversation and dinner. They started out nice and polite, laughing a bit and being sociable.
After a while the conversation (as I heard in bits and pieces only while I walked past) turned to your vs. my method of relating to so-and-so.
By the end of the meal it was nothing but an argument for the sake of arguing. It was like they had got so used to arguing that it was all they had. They were constantly looking for the other's faults and mistakes – trying to get the other to slip up in some way: "But you just said you hate when people do that." And then "I never would have done _____ if you hadn't done/said _______." "You shouldn't have to _____ you should know____."
I have no idea what the content of their conversation was, but it was obvious in a few words that it was delivered through blame, anger, defensiveness, and the desire to hurt the other more than you had just been hurt.
And neither of them would stop. Neither of them was willing to accept blame for anything. And when confronted would fight tooth and nail to re-aim the 'fault' to the other person, while simultaneously looking for the tiniest flaw to dwell on – thereby avoiding fixing the problem. It was like some horrible tennis game where the ball is some sort of black tar that spatters each time it is hit, coating the combatants in sticky black gunk. Whatever it was they started out talking about, they ended with nothing but attacks at each other.
It's just a friendly game till somebody gets spattered with the tar-ball.
Hey, you spattered me.
It wouldn't have got you if you had just played like you're supposed to.
If I remember correctly you're the one who taught me this game.
Just cause I taught you doesn't mean you learned right.
Maybe if you had been a better teacher.
and so on.
Anyway, just before 11, I decided I wanted to go. I asked them to pay their bill so I could go help my fiancee move some stuff into the apartment.
"Oh, you help your fiancee? Of course we could help you out for that. You help the woman you love."
"I bet she even appreciates it. Doesn't she?"
*aggressive signing of generous tip*
Somewhere, people fall into destructive patterns. They stop trying to fix the problems that we all come across every day, and instead try to console themselves by saying "It's not my fault. It's yours."
And as soon as you say it out loud, you're stuck with it. You've committed yourself to a position and it takes some serious humility to say, afterwards, that "I was wrong, and yes it really is my fault." Do you know anybody with that kind of humility?
Maybe it would be better, considering our glaring lack of humble, to just avoid blaming, and dwelling on the faults of other people, and instead just try to fix the problems that we come across.
I couldn't help but think of my upcoming marriage.
I decided we won't be like that. Because both of us love the other more than we love being right. To be honest, she's a lot better at it than I am. She loves and respects and listens to me like nobody I've ever met. It makes me nervous – which motivates me to work hard on being my best for her. And when I'm wrong, it seems like she just loves me more.
I've never met anybody like her.
I'm glad I've taken this summer class on small group communication. I've tried to do every little thing the instructor has said, even the suggestions. And it's turned into a potentially life-altering event. It's helped me set goals, and re-focus on having good communication. The skills I learned on my mission are being applied very well to my current life.
Well, I'm tired.
What's the conclusion? What did I learn, and what should I have learned from this experience?
I see it as another warning sign that there are bad paths that people can choose to take that lay ahead of us no matter where we are.
June 11, 2006
Midnight after saturday. I should be trying to sleep, but the night-time is comforting and arouses a contemplative mood. I sit with the windows open to the cool. I'm on the floor in the middle of a mostly empty room, with reflected lamplight coming out of my room like the moon was lying in my bed. Maybe my Korean roommate is asleep for once. Maybe he's got a secret identity he doesn't want revealed. Maybe he's Korean Bat Man.
Pretty good night.
Remind me to write about myself.
June 7, 2006
We dropped off an invitation at brother/president/elder jones' house last night. They came out in their P.J.s and showed us their new 9-foot, extra octive steinway grand piano that they had sold an apartment to pay for.
After having just finished tuning Melissa's piano, I could see and hear a BIG difference. I never thought that there wasn't a big difference in the sound of pianos, but now I know better. That piano last night sounded great. Simply grand, really.
June 5, 2006
Kayeleen and I have found a place and even gone so far as to put down a deposit. It's an apartment built in the bottom half of somebody elses house. We'll be paying 600 per month in rent, but for the price it seems pretty good when compared with other properties in cedar.
It's another strange and exciting phase in life. Getting a place with somebody. Thinking this will be our place soon. weird.
There is a lawn available to us, which to me is simply screaming 'barbeque on me, baby!'
too bad about not having a barbeque.
and not a lot of friends in town…
I have been worried about money a lot lately. If I'm going to school, and if we've got rent, and I'm only working part time (so I have time for homework)… I don't know how we're going to make it work. Especially if and when a kid comes along. It's a little nerve wracking.
But it's still the future, and when the time comes, I think we'll be just fine.
I'm thinking of setting some goals to achieve in the next year. I've never really accomplished much with myself that I've wanted to. I'll try and think of something good.