Evening Murmurs

April 16, 2007

Recent rains, a general feeling of fatigue, insecurity about the future, and stress caused by an overload of work and school combine in me to produce the recently rare mood of writing.  Maybe it’s my own personal stress reliever.   That seems to fit with my experience.  I remember being a new missionary – in that extremely stressful circumstance of dramatic change – wanting more than anything to sit down at the end of the day in front of the computer and write out my sorrows.

I spend hours each day with a tiny person lying on top of my chest, listening to my heartbeat, his legs curled up under him and his dark eyes widely searching the strange and cold world he’s just recently entered.  It makes me glad that no matter how angry he is I can pull him to my chest and he calms down almost immediately.  I don’t know how long that will last, but I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.

I taught seminary classes this morning and realized I have a lot to learn about teaching.  I feel inadequate to that job and I would be scared to have to do it all the time.  If it were just history lessons or math equations it would be easy – but teaching principles meant to change the course of a life are something that I struggle with.

I find myself with a great deal of homework to do this week.  I could do it if I were still doing my old job.  But I’m supposed to really start my new job tomorrow.  So now I don’t know how I’ll have the willpower to leave the baby, wife, visitors, and family alone long enough to learn the lessons.  Add to that the need to plan new seminary lessons – a task I never feel is completed no matter how much time I spend on it – and I feel some major insomnia coming on this week.

What I would like to do more than anything else is to kneel down, pray, and have my troubles taken away.  Instead, I kneel down, pray, and am told to get to work.  I suppose if I really want to grow as a person I had better learn to do the things I’ve been planning on doing – working hard to achieve goals.

I wonder if I’ll learn this skill in time to teach it to my children…



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