Can’t I just become a full-time philanthropist or something?

There are two things – essential characteristics, as it were – in the balance as far as my job goes.  First:  It is emotionally rewarding to be able to help people.  I really enjoy sitting down with young families and seeing the excitement in their eyes when they find that they, too, can be financially responsible.

Then there’s the counterbalance:  I  haven’t made a dime doing my job yet – and I’ve been at it for a couple of months.   Yes, some money will eventually arrive, just because of contracts already signed and the like, but those checks are so small and so far between that it’s hard to feel perpetually good about my own life – even when I’m helping other people with theirs.

I find myself wondering if I’m doing the right thing.  I met with a young family today who made 17,000 dollars last year and who have their own home and 1 other lot that they’re going to build another house on, then sell the first for about 160,000 dollars of profit.  As for me, I am living off my last month’s worth of savings and wondering how much longer this financial drought can go on.  Should I just give up and go back to the food-services industries?  Or do I stick with the job that promises huge dividends in the unknowable future?  Where’s my magic 8 ball?

Today it just piled up on me again as I reached the end of the list of people I know personally.  I used to feel confident that I could make a living out of this job – but today I am not so sure.  I had decided in the past to keep it up for as long as I can.  And it may be that I find that it’s not the job for me.  But I might find that I am able to survive the next year – and perhaps even thrive in the future.  I just don’t know.  Not knowing leads to discouragement.  Discouragement can lead to giving up.  Giving up can lead to switching jobs.  Switching jobs can lead to… other jobs?

Reporting live from discouragedville,

-greg

That most ancient of comforts…

This evening I was reminded of one of the pleasures I used to enjoy on a frequent basis.  As primal and as deep a part of our nature as the comfort felt when sheltered from the thunderstorm.  Perhaps as symbolically potent as snow falling in the pines.

It’s been a long time since I was able to indulge myself, and I wondered if perhaps this activity has become the joy of a bygone era – surely I’m not the only one who has been experiencing less and less of that most ancient of comforts…

Driving around the streets of a city on a cool summers night with the windows down and the radio turned up…

Gas prices are now between 3.12 and 3.54 depending on which part of the state you’re in.  3.27 here.  I just can’t afford to feel good any more.

-greg

Endings, Beginnings, Middles

Today was the last class of my “methods of teaching seminary” class.  I found myself facing some angst (read: nervousness / fear) when I came face to face with the fact that some of my hopes and dreams are no longer in the future – that, indeed, the turning point for what I consider some important decisions has come and – today – passed.  As time goes on, more and more opportunities arrive and then pass by.  I can’t help but wonder if I’m making the right choices.
I won’t know about the chance to teach next year until some time next month.  All I can do now is try to be the right person for the job.  It’s not something I can plan on doing.  Last year’s group – about 70 here in southern Utah – had only one person hired.

I’ve been working at Northwestern Mutual for a while.  It’s a good feeling.  My boss definately has his priorities in order, which makes me happy.  I like working for a boss who cares more about his client’s needs than his own earnings.  It makes a nice change.  I still face the stigma of the financial service representative, though.  I still meet people (some who know me very well personally) who assume I just want to take the money from people and put it in my own pockets.  It’s a lot like when I was on my mission.  How do you tell somebody that you really just want to help people – that you want the very best for them – and make them believe it?  I guess there’s too much mistrust in the world.  And too much reason for mistrust.

The semester is over.  I officially have just one year of college left… unless I go into the MBA program.  I didn’t do very well at this semester’s classes.  Maybe I was more focused on family and work?  I don’t know why, really.  The truth is that most of my classes were more difficult than any I’ve taken in the past.

And, of course, the biggest change to happen of late is the birth of my son.  I’m very excited to get to know his personality as he grows.  I hope that we will be good parents.  I also hope I can provide for our needs.  That’s my biggest worry lately.  Helping people plan for retirement and getting insurance doesn’t pay me a lot of money,  just dividends in feeling good about helping people.

Friends are moving away, going on with life.  Someday I may try it out myself.

Till then, I remain your friend in geekland.

-greg

Evening Murmurs

Recent rains, a general feeling of fatigue, insecurity about the future, and stress caused by an overload of work and school combine in me to produce the recently rare mood of writing.  Maybe it’s my own personal stress reliever.   That seems to fit with my experience.  I remember being a new missionary – in that extremely stressful circumstance of dramatic change – wanting more than anything to sit down at the end of the day in front of the computer and write out my sorrows.

I spend hours each day with a tiny person lying on top of my chest, listening to my heartbeat, his legs curled up under him and his dark eyes widely searching the strange and cold world he’s just recently entered.  It makes me glad that no matter how angry he is I can pull him to my chest and he calms down almost immediately.  I don’t know how long that will last, but I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.

I taught seminary classes this morning and realized I have a lot to learn about teaching.  I feel inadequate to that job and I would be scared to have to do it all the time.  If it were just history lessons or math equations it would be easy – but teaching principles meant to change the course of a life are something that I struggle with.

I find myself with a great deal of homework to do this week.  I could do it if I were still doing my old job.  But I’m supposed to really start my new job tomorrow.  So now I don’t know how I’ll have the willpower to leave the baby, wife, visitors, and family alone long enough to learn the lessons.  Add to that the need to plan new seminary lessons – a task I never feel is completed no matter how much time I spend on it – and I feel some major insomnia coming on this week.

What I would like to do more than anything else is to kneel down, pray, and have my troubles taken away.  Instead, I kneel down, pray, and am told to get to work.  I suppose if I really want to grow as a person I had better learn to do the things I’ve been planning on doing – working hard to achieve goals.

I wonder if I’ll learn this skill in time to teach it to my children…

-Greg

Our Induction into the Hall of Family

We went to our doctor’s appointment today.  She’s still dilated to only 1 centimeter.  So it was looking like we were going to be waiting till thursday – when they have her scheduled to be induced.  On the way out of the doctor’s office, he said, “Hey, want to do it tonight?”

Kayeleen said “Yes,” without hesitation.

My mind went blank as neurons were in competition for superiority – school – work – school – teaching – work – shutdown…

I must have had a funny look on my face because the doctor looked at me and said “Maybe we should wait?”  I said no, it was fine.

So this evening at 1 A.M. we’ll be going to the hospital to begin the birthing process – whatever that is…

It’s really weird to think that by this time tomorrow I may be a father officially.  Exciting, intimidating, a little stressful, and the like.  It still seems impossible.  I’m sure I’ll get used to the idea pretty soon, though.

I think it’s interesting that it feels like such a huge and important moment in my life, but to everybody who knows me it’s just some happy news – almost as if babies are born every day or something.

But my baby isn’t born every day.  Just tomorrow.

General Conference

This weekend was the 177th annual conference of the LDS church.  Blaine pointed out that it’s pretty much the only 10 hour religious experience he can stand.  I had never realized that it was actually 10 hours of meetings.

This conference I was not struck by any powerful revelation, though it has happened in the past.  What I did get was a great outpouring of the good feelings that accompany the holy spirit.  It was like being told that “Everything is going to be just fine,” by somebody who knows for sure.  And it was nice to compare the feelings that filled the house while we watched conference with the feelings that had been there recently.  It’s not like there were bad feelings there, just a general coating of pop-culture and worldly attitude.  Conference really washed it away for me.

It was a strong testimony building experience for me.  It reminds me that it’s so easy to get caught up in the arguments about doctrines and debates about policy, when it’s really not important.  What’s important is seeking out the Lord and learning his will and his way. Conference became a lodestone of sorts – reminding me of what’s really important and blowing away the chaff.

Good experience.  One to remember.

-Greg

Contractions….

Kayeleen nears her due-date.  About 2 weeks ago we started noticing contractions pretty much every day.  And it would go something like this:  At about 7 or 8 at night she would start having contractions every 10 minutes.  Then when it got to about 10 pm, they would stop.  Then last week it was the same except every 5 minutes.   It has become rather frustrating.

It has been suggested that the baby is waiting to come out till we know his name.  To which I say “Piffle!”

I’ve also passed my exam and am now licensed in the state of Utah to sell and advise people in the ways of Life, Health, and other kinds of insurance.   I hope to be of some use to my friends and family.  I’m now working on getting licensed for investments of certain kinds.   So if you ever need some financial suggestions, I would be happy to help out.

Anyway…  Life feels like it’s on the verge of becoming a whole new thing.  A paradigm shift or something.  New job, new baby, end of school year, and probably a new apartment pretty soon.  It’s going to be interesting to see how it effects my psychology.

-Oreo

A few journal entries.

My journal entry for two nights ago reads as follows:

“Celebrated 1 year.
Worried about money.”

Last night did not have an entry.  I don’t know why.  In fact, when I asked my brain ‘what did we do yesterday?’ I received the following response:  “huh?”

Kayeleen tells me that I attended school, she worked, and the two of us attended a concert by many choral groups and the orchestra of southern utah.  I hope it was good.  She says it was. I was apparently there.

I do remember.  It was a great concert, actually.  All the songs were from various operas and performed very well.

Today I helped Garrett and Ruth Nilsson move a piano from one apartment to another.  It was great for me because I had been hoping for opportunities to serve.  Then Mom, Dad, Jodie, and Dave came into town and attended a baby shower for Kayeleen / went shopping.  I think that between my two parents they spent nearly 800 dollars today.  I don’t remember ever spending that much in one day…  But I think I may have…  Julia showed up later in the afternoon and we all went to dinner while Blaine was kind enough to cover for me by chauffeuring the missionaries in my place.
There are 3 more books on my kitchen table which I hope to read over spring break (this week.)  The only other projects I have for this week are to clean the apartment and pass a insurance licensing exam.

I’ve been back from Taiwan for 1 year as of the 7th.  Kayeleen and I also celebrated our 8 month anniversary on that date.  It feels like I haven’t been back from taiwan for that long, but that I’ve been married to Kayeleen for much longer.  Interesting how subjective our perceptions of time are.

Kayeleen’s baby shower went well, and now we have lots of blankets and diapers.  She spent the afternoon and evening having her belly assaulted by relatives who all hoped to feel the baby kick,  (I think that they all got to experience it at least once) and having my family sit and watch her belly move.  We ooh’d and aah’d as if it were a fireworks display.

Nice and exhausting day today.

February in summation

With both vehicles fixed, we now enjoy the luxury of two vehicles – a new and exciting level of prosperity for our marriage.

Kayeleen has officially reached the 8 month mark in pregnancy.  We ought to start thinking about names at least.  She’s also started working only half-time at Steve Corry Real Estate.  This means that we need to start getting some other source of income pretty quick.

So, moneywise, the pressure is on me to start working at Northwestern, or go back to applebees.  I’m going to try to pass the test and be licensed for insurance either this weekend or next week during spring break.

Northwestern is turning out to be a pretty good feeling.  I’m excited to do something that I really believe can help people.  And I appreciate the non-pushy attitude that they endorse there.

Kayeleen and I spend most of our time together lying on the couch.  I get the feeling that I ought to find a way to be productive, but between her working and my studies we both end up pretty burned out at the end of the day.  The semester has been pretty demanding for me so far.

Finally sold the two projectors I purchased at the SUU surplus sale.  Made about 100 dollar profit, which is nice and will probably go towards paying for new shirts and ties so I can look nice if this internship works out.

Time to go to my Nutrition class.

Go let it out,
-Greg

Thank Goodness the Car Broke Down, Otherwise This Wouldn’t be Funny.

Yesterday I was giving Blaine a ride to an appointment on the north end of town.  About half way there, just between the cemetery and Brad’s Food Hut, Blaine shouted in pain as scalding hot antifreeze dripped onto his foot.  I was naturally confused, since I didn’t know what could be scalding hot and dripping in my new (only 140000 miles!) truck.  I didn’t have time to wonder about it though, as there was a tremendous FOOMP! from under the hood followed immediately by copious amounts of steam.

I felt it prudent to pull over just past La Fiesta – the mexican restaurant with the neon palm tree.

A quick examination revealed a shredded belt, a hole in the radiator, and a hose gone MIA.  The upshot was that La Fiesta shares it’s parking lot with MCO – a mechanic shop.

Trucks are hard to push, even across flat surfaces.  It took 4 of us with a rest halfway across the parking lot to get the truck into position.

The verdict is just as suspected.  Needs new radiator, belt, tensioner, hose, and thermostat.  All-in-all, it’s about 580 dollars.  I knew there was a reason I hesitated to purchase a new seat cover and steering wheel cover for the truck.  Ha ha!

In the mean time, the Mazda (our trusty car that broke down last week, but much more catastrophically) will be about 2 weeks in repair as the engine is replaced.

Can’t think of much else that’s the news at the moment.

every thing is satisfactual,
-Greg